I'm alone in this.
I'm an ass I've always been.

This is pointless.

 I miss my Bradly so much it hurts right now.  I just saw him Sunday and I miss him so much already.  Why does he have to live so far away?  :(  I think he is the only person I've ever met that won't judge me or anybody, no matter what they do.  Brad, I miss you.  I think this weekend...my road trip, it will be dedicated to coming to see you.  I miss you more than you could ever know.  I love you, and you know that.  I hate who I am when you're not around.  I miss you all the time.  :(

I'm going to see Brad.  Friday.

Out.

Alright, I am going to vent like no other.  I fucking need to so bad and I guess since I have no other outlet, this will suffice.  Number one...too huge and far too private of a matter to discuss, especially on the Internet.  So that stays with me.

Number two.  I did not get the job I wanted.  I have been interviewing for it for the past week.  Everything sounded so promising and I know that the reason I did not get the job is all my fault.  How stupid can I be, seriously?...  WHY would I speak of the Seattle job offer when they needed me to be flexible about location.  That's the most enfuriating part of it all...I AM FLEXIBLE TO MOVE.  They just don't understand that.  Ugh...I'm such a fuckin failure.  I never thought I could feel so shitty.  Seriously.  I didn't even go to chem lab today.  I didn't do anything I was supposed to.  I started to have a few shots thinking that would help...but that's just stupid.  It is never going to resolve any of these issues I am dealing with.  It will only kick my ass later.

The roommate situation.  Ugh...  I like her.  DO NOT GET ME WRONG.  She is sweet and nice and everything.  It's her stupid dog and the way she 'disciplines' it...or lack there-of.  I haven't ever seen her take him out more than five times.  He uses the carpet by the balcony as a bathroom.  So frustrating.  AND last night, somehow, I dozed off to sleep kinda early.  HE STARTED BARKING SO LOUD and I lost it.  I just screamed at him and I hit the dog.  Not like kick the crap out of it hit it, but seriously, I was pissed.  I gave him his football and locked him in her bathroom.  Then I sent her a text saying that she needs to take the dog with her when she leaves that late at night because I am not going to deal with our landlord.  He's insane!  Plus, I need sleep.  I really do.  I don't think I've been this tired since like a  year ago, but I had 18 credits, not 6, and I was in a lot more things.  Whatever, I need to stop bitching but I'm stressed out.

I have nobody to talk to and it really, really sucks.  Keeping everything buried inside is NOT good.  I know I'm not with Nick, but I really need to see him.  He's the only person I have to 'talk' to, but I'm sure I'm putting way too much on him, too.  Trapped.  I am absolutely trapped.  That's why I wanted the job soooo badly.  That way I could just move away, focus on my career, and forget about everything else.  Apparently, that's not happening and I'm falling apart.  I won't give up on getting a job, but for right now, I am falling apart.  Pathetically vulnerable.  Pathetic. 

Ugh...I quit.  I'm done for now. 
Ready to feel happy again!  All in time, I suppose...

Current Location: my office
Current Mood: alone
Current Music: .........................

I  have really done it this time around.  A fuck up to carry around with me for the rest of my life.  I don't know how to look at it.  I don't know how to feel or think about it.  Why.................

I am so frustrated, and stressed, and worried.  I just lay in bed all day and cry.  I think the worst part of all of it is that I was in denial about the entire situation for a couple weeks and it took me getting sick in the middle of the mall to realize it.  What to do now....  Maybe Brad would have the answer.  Maybe nobody has the answer.  I make no sense right now, and I hate it.

Going back to bed.

Current Location: bed
Current Mood: depressed
Current Music: none.

So I hung out with my little tonight!  She is amazing!  Definately not comfort barrier to be brought down.  She just rocks.  Period.  She's a wild child, exactly as I was at her age.  Soooo full of energy and spunk!  You're gonna go far, kid.  Had dinner.  I made her tacos because I rock!  :)  And then, we both drank a bottle of pink champagne.  Good times...family tradition.  Well I enstated it!  Can't wait to hang out with her tomorrow night!  :D

Also, the MOST embarassing thing happened to me today.  I was cleaning my bedroom and I was vacuuming and the dog I guess went under my bed.  Well I went to put the vacuum away in the closet and I walk out into the living room and my vibrator was in the dog's mouth!!!  I COULD NOT BELIEVE IT!  And my roommate was sitting right there.  She never reacted, but I sure as hell did.  I threw it away.  :(  Sad.  Weak.

Ugh...I need to study for chem lab.  Lame.  Out.

Current Location: my office
Current Mood: bouncy
Current Music: "Hear You Me" by Jimmy Eat World

I got a little!  Score!
Not a guy like I had asked for, but she seems really cool.  I was a little worried when she told me she was absolutely ruthless, but I get it!  :)

I've been sick as hell all day. I didn't make it to class, at all.
Fuck now I'm behind in lab.  Prof said I was doing just fine so we're good there, I guess.
Regardless, chemistry sucks.

Nip/Tuck was craziness tonight!  Love it!!  I think I will buy those seasons next.......
I want to go skiing.  Time to plan a trip.

No more smoking.  From tomorrow out ----- I'm done.  I have to be.  Absolutely have to be.  When I own my own business maybe I'll smoke then.  But until then......................................................  :/  boo.

I am tired.  Nite.

Current Location: my office
Current Mood: exhausted
Current Music: "Big Casino" by Jimmy Eat World

So freakin excited!  Marty and Jenny are coming to my birthday party!  I never in a million years would ever have expected him to come here since he's been here ONCE since I've been here to see Kaleena graduate, and I went to MTU I don't even know how many times.  God....sooooo excited! 

This is gonna be one hell of a party.  Cannot wait!!!!!

Outz.

Current Location: my office
Current Mood: shocked
Current Music: Intervention

So, I woke up in a great mood today.  I didn't think anything would bring me down.
Well...that was short-lived.
I talked to my mom tonight and found out my grandpa has cancer.  What a downer.  I guess it's really difficult and hard because I haven't been a part of my mother's parents' lives for quite some time...about ten years to be exact.  Just one day it was like poof, we're not talking to them anymore.  I guess heated tempers didn't help, and I certainly know my mother has a terrible temper.  Since my brother got engaged, though, things with them have been getting better for everybody but me, but I still try.  I've been trying for the past ten years.  I would say hi to them when I saw them...nothing.  Well grandpa would say hi, but not so much from grandma.  I wonder if my mom's scared?  I wonder if she feels regret?  Remorse?  I know I don't get along that well with my father, but damn, I would NEVER push him out of my life.  Ever!  Or my mother.  Maybe this will be encouragement for my mom and sister to get along.......but I am not going to hold my breath.  I guess all that's left to say is my prayers are with him.  :(

PCT meeting tonight.  The pledge class is getting pinned!  Woot!  I find out who my little is, too.  I hope I'm a great big this semester.  I am going to put my all into it...because I am a leader, and a great mentor.  I just want somebody I can take under my wing and guide them as best I can.  I can't wait to be a parent!

I should go.  Later.

Current Location: my office
Current Mood: blank
Current Music: "Dizzy" by Jimmy Eat World

God my life is BORING!  I need to graduate.
Study chemistry...smoke...watch South Park...smoke...nap...study.

Meh...only a few more months.
I bought my parents tickets for their anniversary to go see Billy Joel and Elton John!  How exciting!  I WOULD LOVE TO GO SEE THEM!  But, I probably won't be around Michigan then...  They'll have a good time.  And they deserve to.  Work hard...play hard.

Hung out with Guza on Friday.  That was such a great time and we watched Pineapple Express.  I am thinking that movie just may very well trump Superbad...but we'll see.  I need to watch it a few more times.
And I watched Step Brothers for the first time.  The end of the movie where Will Ferrell sings threw me, and I just started crying my eyes out.  He was singing the song (well...some kinda version of it) that was sang at my godfather's funeral.  I was not expecting it and I just lost it.  I was thinking last night, after all that, that I hadn't cried since around the time he died.  I really think I needed that because I have to stop supressing it.  It happened and I need to really accept it, instead of acting like it never happened.

Anyway, on a happier note, I booked a reservation for the place where I am hosting my sister's bridal shower.  FINALLY!  I've been needing to get that done.  The bridesmaid dresses...we, at last, found a great dress.  I am excited because being the maid of honor, I need to look good.  :)  We've been working on details of everything else...good bonding time.  That wedding will be here soon!  Now I just need to find somebody to take.

I am sleepy.  Nap.  Later.

Current Location: zeee office
Current Mood: sleepy
Current Music: none

Oh my god...I am so pumped right now.  Just bought Paul Van Dyke's Out There and Back album ---- this just takes me back.  
I seriously think everybody should experience this.  AMAZING!

I have to go enjoy this.

Laterz!!!!

Current Location: my office
Current Mood: anxious
Current Music: paul van dyke, baby!