kaylapolega - Cliche` --- However, Ironic

I've been fighting change for far too long. Honestly, far too long. Actually, I've been trying to change since I got to college, but never took any real opportunity to. I mean small things have changed, but in the grand scheme of things, not so much. If anything, I would say I have changed for the worse. I have become a prude to the core; a snotty, stuck-up bitch most of the time. I really cut out a lot of people from my life that I thought were "bad". ARE YOU KIDDING ME!?!? This winter break has been so eye-opening for me. I think I actually LIVED, I mean really LIVED this break. I have been hiding myself away for far too long, denying things because I think they are going to change when in all reality, hell no. They will never change, ever. I put on this front, to obtain this image, which I highly doubt I am achieving. That I am some kind of fackin professional that I want everybody to see. I am, I am a professional --- but I'm sick of it. It's boring and 'cliche`'. Like the standard professional in business doesn't have much of a life. I say I want to do consulting work for the rest of my life, but why? There would be no time for me in there --- fuck having a family and contacting the one I already have. I realized all of this in one second, too. I was visiting with an old friend from back in the day (high school) and I was hanging up my coat in the closet when I was talking about how most people's closets have quiet an array of clothing. Mine --- no. I have penguin suits. GALORE! I used to think it was sweet as hell, but what is wrong with the ordinary? What is wrong with what makes you comfortable. Don't get me wrong, I don't want to throw my career away because I have busted my ass for it over the past five years. But, fuck, I need to start living my life. Everything that I would do is a reflection of my career. I wouldn't go out to the bars in Mount Pleasant very often because it just wasn't professional. I would back home because who really knows the difference back there, anyway? I wouldn't hang out with certain people because they didn't fit the mold (see, me=bitch). My sister had been trying to tell me this for years now, but I didn't care. I wouldn't even give some people a chance. Which, if you knew me before I went to school, I was nothing like that. I didn't care who or what you were or what or who you did, I would still give you a chance. What the hell happened to that? What the hell happened to me? All I can say about achievements in college thus far is a near bachelor's degree with three majors, one professional business fraternity, and ZERO , ZERO real friends achieved. Well, Andrea --- but she's married, making things different. I had Maggie, one of the best friends I have EVER had - seriously. But I found an excuse and ran...so she smoked pot and I wanted to quit. THAT IS A FUCKIN LAME ASS EXCUSE TO BEFRIEND SOMEBODY. I wonder where she is now? :( I hope everything is well with her.

I think this is the point in my life where I am realizing Garret, for real, is never, ever coming back. Fuck you. I don't think you will ever truly know how badly you hurt me. Personally, I don't think you would ever care because all you ever really cared about was your dick and money. That is it. Forget that another person was involved for how many years? Damn, it does feel really good to get this out. (Apparently riding a train for six hours will get to a person...either that or five years of bullshit...) You were the reason (well part of the reason because I don't want to deny all parts of my being) that I became the person I did. So you went to MSU and you graduated #3 out of every business student. I felt that was always held over my fucking head because I was nowhere near that, especially in accounting. And I hope you are reading this because there is no way that I would ever call you to tell you all of this because in all honesty, you certainly are not worth one bit of my wasting my breath to tell you. You put people down and then pull them because with your sly, cunning words because it is convenient for you. And don't even get me started on all the people I eventually found out you were cheating with. The girl you're with now, she doesn't deserve you and you certainly don't deserve her. She is far too sweet and I am sure that you, too, will break her heart. Maybe someday "karma" or whatever will come back around, maybe it won't. Maybe you live with the guilt. Maybe not. I just know that I feel better for having wrote this. And that is all that matters to me.

Ah...this break. Liberating. Liberating.

Other than that, it is official. I sent out the email yesterday declining my position as manager of operational affairs at Expeditors, Inc. in Seattle, WA. That is okay. I can't lie to myself saying that I would be happy out there. Money isn't going to make me happy. I would be miserable, and there is no denying that. Everybody keeps telling me it's only two years -- blah blah blah. It's my choice. It's done. I'm done.

I need to get off this train. Well --- time for Scarface. Been waiting to watch it for a bit. Later.

Current Location: train
Current Mood: ALIVE
Current Music: jimmy eat world --- cautioners

Advertisement

Advertisement